The relationships we have with our parents are different than every other relationship we have. I am incredibly close with my parents, and although it hasn’t always been this way, it is now for several reasons. One highly important reason is while I was learning to heal my trauma, I learned to heal my mindset. Since I have been able to “un-adopt” my parents’ mindset, I’ve grown closer with them. Unfortunately, I realize this isn’t always the case. More often than not, I’m working with clients attempting to heal some deep parental wounds. This isn’t only in reference to potential trauma we may face with our parents, but doing the thing every single person does, adopting their mindsets as our own.
Whether it’s your biological parents who raise you or parental figures, whoever is around in those critical developmental years (really from birth to young adult) shape the way our brains work and the way our mind thinks. However, there is a specific reason that, although our parents raise us and instill in us their beliefs, values, and mindsets, we still don’t turn out exactly like them. This is because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, or our brain’s ability to change. Our neuroplasticity is what allows us to change our mindset as we grow up, even if it’s the opposite of what we’ve been taught by our parents.
We think the way we’re taught
So often, clients come to me with beliefs they think are their own, but really something they need to “un-adopt” from their parents. Client after client address some of their “critical growth issues,” as blocks they face around their parents. After several minutes of poking at their thoughts, I usually discover it’s not the parent themselves that is the issue. Often, it’s the mindset the client adopts from their parents. When we face blocks in our career growth, relationships, confidence, worthiness, etc., our subconscious refers back to the earliest memory of when this wasn’t perfect. For example, let’s say as a young child, you constantly saw a parent coming home from work stressed. Perhaps they came home tense, or late, always talking about how much they hate their job.
When this behavior is modeled to us, we adopt the thinking that this is what it means to have a job. Eventually (if you’re someone who hasn’t worked on developing your mindset), you may grow up to get a job you too resent. So if a client comes to me and says they feel “stuck” in their job or “hate it,” I immediately ask about what it was like when they were growing up and how their parents spoke about work. It usually only takes a few minutes to realize this is the behavior that was modeled and has since been adopted.
Un-Adopt Your Parents’ Thoughts
So why do we need to “un-adopt” our parents’ thoughts? Not only does it encourage us to continue learning and form our own opinions; but, when we can un-adopt our parents’ way of thinking, we come to one wonderful realization. Here’s the thing about every single one of us, we’re always doing the best we can with what we know. This goes for our parents as well. They raised us in the best way they knew how, taught by their parents, and their parents, and so on. Now, I understand that this may be a more difficult concept to believe if you grew up in an emotionally or physically abusive household. However, adopting the thinking of “my parent did the best they could with what they knew,” does not excuse their behavior or forgive it. It simply frees you from believing their actions or mindset are a reflection of you.
This isn’t to say we should run to find our parents and give them a stern talking to. Unfortunately, people can only change their mindset if they want to. But if we take the power back over our minds and reprogram our subconscious to believe differently, we can change their minds too. This is generational healing. And this is what ultimately betters our relationships with our parents. We no longer feel like we have to resent them for actions they took or what they may have taught us. Instead, we simply know they did their best, but you’re doing better and you can un-adopt their beliefs.
Better Your Mindset to Better Your Relationship
When we change our beliefs, or even just let go of a belief, like “I can’t make a lot of money because my parents didn’t make a lot of money,” we open ourselves up to learn something new. We also don’t need to grow up thinking “I need to achieve this ‘in spite’ of my parents.” Instead, we simply need to heal what is no longer—and likely never has been— ours, achieving things solely for ourselves. We have the power over our minds. If you’ve learned a belief, behavior, or mindset from your parents that you believe is holding you back, you have the power to change it.
Start by fully believing they did their best. Once you can release and let go of any anger, resentment, or hurt, you can change your mindset. Begin using EFT Tapping (or listening to the podcast on EFT). Using EFT, you can change your mindset and forgive your past way of thinking. If you’re interested in working 1:1 on healing parental wounds, I am currently onboarding new clients! Book a Discovery Call or your coaching suite directly so we can dive into your mind. Together, we’ll heal your parental wounds and mindset blocks.
grab a coffee and listen to the podcast!
Want to know more about this week’s topic?
Head over to the Do the Damn Thing Podcast on Apple or Spotify and listen to the conversation! The podcast is an open forum conversation where we dive even deeper into all that is intentional living.